Monday, May 30, 2011
things
Things that piss me off.
I hate it when someone passes me on the right on the highway. And I don’t know why; if someone else is going too god damn slow, I will pass you on the right as well, if I don’t have a better option.
rules
1. Trust no one. Not even yourself.
2. Everybody is an asshole. Even Mother Theresa had a bad day.
3. Life is not fair. Get over it.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Ask Bill
ASK BILL
Dear Bill,
I heard tell that there’s this big time talk show host, name of Opel WinnFree, who is supporting Osama Bin Laden for President of the United States. Now, ain’t he the feller that drove them 2 planes into them towers up there in New York City? Shouldn’t he be dead already? And if’n he ain’t dead, why in the hell would any body want him to be President? Sombitch probably don’t even speak English, fer Chrissakes!
Perturbed in Peoria
Dear Perturbed-
It appears you have your facts slightly askew. The talk show host you are probably referring to is Orpah (or Oprah) Winfrey, not Opel WinnFree. Opel WinnFree is a used car sales person in Beeville Texas. Oprah Winfrey has been on the TV for many years; however, I personally have not watched her on TV since the 70’s, when she appeared on a fine show out of Baltimore, “People are Talking”, with the redoubtable Richard Sher. I have heard rumors that she has done rather well in a city somewhere to the west; I believe Chicago. Chicago is a God-forsaken frozen cultural wasteland of gangsters, meat packers and commodities traders. Such a place is not fit for civilized humans; what passes for pizza in that town is unfit for porcine consumption.
Ms. Winfrey is not supporting Osama Bin Laden for President of the United States. She is supporting Barack Hussein Obama, the junior Senator from state of Illinois. Senator Obama is not related to the late Saddam Hussein, as far as we can tell, although he may be related to Muhamed Hussein, a cab driver in Montgomery County, Maryland. Illinois is known for its corn and pig farms, as well as the cesspool mentioned above, Chicago. Senator Obama and Osama Bin Laden have little in common. Osama Bin Laden did not personally fly planes into the twin towers; that was his home boys done that. And they are dead. Osama Bin Laden’s whereabouts are currently unknown; he may even have expired. And I am almost certain he “no speaky the English”, if you know what I mean….
Both of the above mentioned gentlemen do, however, reside in places where reality is slightly “unreal”. Mssr. Bin Laden resides in a cave somewhere; Senator Obama lives and works in a place known as the United States Congress, in Washington DC. Both places are well insulated from reality. In the cave, the perception of reality is skewed by the demented ravings of Mssr. Bin Laden. In the U. S. Congress, reality is practically non-existent. It is vastly skewed by the ravings of Senators. The main concern of these honorable ladies and gentlemen seems to be the maintenance of their varied perquisites, such as free health care, free gym memberships, free call girls (and boys!) and yearly hefty pay raises. The actual governing of the country is left to a benighted half wit, who inherited the job from his father. The actual word “Senate” is derived from the Latin for “rich asshole dickwad”. These “senators” make a lot of noise, and pass incomprehensible laws designed to part hard working Americans from their money, and give it to the multi-national alcohol producing conglomerates of sports team owners who really run everything.
I hope this clears up this issue for you, you stupid fucking red neck.
Yours truly,
Bill
Dear Bill,
I heard tell that there’s this big time talk show host, name of Opel WinnFree, who is supporting Osama Bin Laden for President of the United States. Now, ain’t he the feller that drove them 2 planes into them towers up there in New York City? Shouldn’t he be dead already? And if’n he ain’t dead, why in the hell would any body want him to be President? Sombitch probably don’t even speak English, fer Chrissakes!
Perturbed in Peoria
Dear Perturbed-
It appears you have your facts slightly askew. The talk show host you are probably referring to is Orpah (or Oprah) Winfrey, not Opel WinnFree. Opel WinnFree is a used car sales person in Beeville Texas. Oprah Winfrey has been on the TV for many years; however, I personally have not watched her on TV since the 70’s, when she appeared on a fine show out of Baltimore, “People are Talking”, with the redoubtable Richard Sher. I have heard rumors that she has done rather well in a city somewhere to the west; I believe Chicago. Chicago is a God-forsaken frozen cultural wasteland of gangsters, meat packers and commodities traders. Such a place is not fit for civilized humans; what passes for pizza in that town is unfit for porcine consumption.
Ms. Winfrey is not supporting Osama Bin Laden for President of the United States. She is supporting Barack Hussein Obama, the junior Senator from state of Illinois. Senator Obama is not related to the late Saddam Hussein, as far as we can tell, although he may be related to Muhamed Hussein, a cab driver in Montgomery County, Maryland. Illinois is known for its corn and pig farms, as well as the cesspool mentioned above, Chicago. Senator Obama and Osama Bin Laden have little in common. Osama Bin Laden did not personally fly planes into the twin towers; that was his home boys done that. And they are dead. Osama Bin Laden’s whereabouts are currently unknown; he may even have expired. And I am almost certain he “no speaky the English”, if you know what I mean….
Both of the above mentioned gentlemen do, however, reside in places where reality is slightly “unreal”. Mssr. Bin Laden resides in a cave somewhere; Senator Obama lives and works in a place known as the United States Congress, in Washington DC. Both places are well insulated from reality. In the cave, the perception of reality is skewed by the demented ravings of Mssr. Bin Laden. In the U. S. Congress, reality is practically non-existent. It is vastly skewed by the ravings of Senators. The main concern of these honorable ladies and gentlemen seems to be the maintenance of their varied perquisites, such as free health care, free gym memberships, free call girls (and boys!) and yearly hefty pay raises. The actual governing of the country is left to a benighted half wit, who inherited the job from his father. The actual word “Senate” is derived from the Latin for “rich asshole dickwad”. These “senators” make a lot of noise, and pass incomprehensible laws designed to part hard working Americans from their money, and give it to the multi-national alcohol producing conglomerates of sports team owners who really run everything.
I hope this clears up this issue for you, you stupid fucking red neck.
Yours truly,
Bill
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Ask Bill
Dear Bill,
I would like your advise on a very serious subject. My daughter, "Daphne", is unable to tell the truth! Everything that comes out of her mouth is either an out right lie, or an extreme variation of the truth. All of these prevarications are seemingly designed to present "Daphne" in the most favorable light possible, and she seems to believe what she says is true! "Daphne" is 19 years old, she should have grown out of this behaviour long ago. "Daphne" is currently living with a relative. This relative, age 44, has a similar penchant for manipulating reality to her advantage. My wife and I have very little contact with either "Daphne" or her roommate. How can we show them the error of their ways?
Concerned in Vladivostok
Dear Concerned,
You're damn lucky you don't have to put up with these 2 lying a-holes on a daily basis. You should thank your lucky stars! And you must pray to Baal; sacrifice a small chicken at midnight, and smear the blood on all your door knobs. This will ward off other chickens. And quit your whining; you make me want to puke. In a hundred years we'll all be dead anyway, so who cares? Go out and buy a new gun, get drunk, and fire it into the air on January 1. The cops will arrest you, and you can spend the weekend in jail, you disgusting cheeseball....
Yours truly,
Bill
I would like your advise on a very serious subject. My daughter, "Daphne", is unable to tell the truth! Everything that comes out of her mouth is either an out right lie, or an extreme variation of the truth. All of these prevarications are seemingly designed to present "Daphne" in the most favorable light possible, and she seems to believe what she says is true! "Daphne" is 19 years old, she should have grown out of this behaviour long ago. "Daphne" is currently living with a relative. This relative, age 44, has a similar penchant for manipulating reality to her advantage. My wife and I have very little contact with either "Daphne" or her roommate. How can we show them the error of their ways?
Concerned in Vladivostok
Dear Concerned,
You're damn lucky you don't have to put up with these 2 lying a-holes on a daily basis. You should thank your lucky stars! And you must pray to Baal; sacrifice a small chicken at midnight, and smear the blood on all your door knobs. This will ward off other chickens. And quit your whining; you make me want to puke. In a hundred years we'll all be dead anyway, so who cares? Go out and buy a new gun, get drunk, and fire it into the air on January 1. The cops will arrest you, and you can spend the weekend in jail, you disgusting cheeseball....
Yours truly,
Bill
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Unholy Conspiracy!!!!
I have uncovered a vast conspiracy, so terrible in its implications, that it may be the primary causation of the collapse of civilization as we know it!
I am referring to a conspiracy of multi-national corporations, to produce, market, and distribute a product so vile that it usually induces regurgitation in first time users! These corporations are mainly headed by personages of Germanic or Celtic origin, and we all know what THOSE people are like!
These corporations have for YEARS enslaved vast colonies of micro-organisms, mainly of the genus Saccharomyces, in a nefarious plot to produce this obnoxious product. These harmless fungi are specially bred, in a method similar to a Nazi eugenics program, only to be force fed various plant sugars, until these unsuspecting microbes DROWN IN THEIR OWN WASTE PRODUCTS!!!
And the most galling part of the story; the waste product thus created, fungi fecal matter, is then packaged and sold to the unsuspecting public! These so called “adult beverages” generate billions of dollars in revenue a day! This money is then used to finance so-called “sports teams” and “golf tournaments”. These usually rigged contests are then broadcast to the public, interspersed with advertisements for these “adult beverages”, creating a vicious cycle of public interdependence on these two intertwined soporifics.
These so-called beverages are oft times adulterated with various and sundry carcinogenic “flavorings” in a so far successful campaign to dupe a gullible public. Not only are these “adult beverages” sold in their raw, undiluted form, this yeastal urine is also distilled into a purified form, which is chemically unstable, and can be used to power internal combustion engines! Why, one might as well drink petroleum distillate!!!
I, in my striving for truth and justice for all mankind, I have on numerous occasions imbibed various forms of these so-called “adult beverages”. I can report that the effects are not pretty! I have become violently ill on many occasions, projectile vomiting on friends, neighbors, dates, and complete strangers. Alas, can the fact that I no longer have any friends, neighbors, OR dates, be related to my assiduous pursuit of the truth in relation to these “adult beverages”? An epiphany, perhaps???
I also have on many occasions woken up in surreal circumstances, with not a clue as to how I arrived in that location! Why the whole decade of the 1970’s has been completely obliterated from my memory. For instance, I vaguely remember some sort of burglary the Watergate Hotel in DC; the next thing I recall, I was a 2nd class petty officer in the US Navy, and Warren Burger was swearing Ronald Reagan in as POTUS. Imagine my shock at that awakening, as well as my unmitigated euphoria at finally having such a fine actor as President! The shock of this dichotomy was such to cause a further psychic meltdown, resulting in further truth seeking regarding “adult beverages”. The intervening years have not been pretty, as I continued my research.
There is one redeeming quality to these “adult beverages”; they seem to be a fine accompaniment to the penultimate American agricultural product, Nicotiana Tabacum, in all its forms.
Well, the cocktail hour approaches, and I must away to continue my research. I gladly offer my body on the altar of science for this noble…. Goddamn it boy, you’re bruising the gin again!!! Two shakes only! (THWACK) Motherfucking sombitch I’ll whoop your skinny white ass, boy………………
I am referring to a conspiracy of multi-national corporations, to produce, market, and distribute a product so vile that it usually induces regurgitation in first time users! These corporations are mainly headed by personages of Germanic or Celtic origin, and we all know what THOSE people are like!
These corporations have for YEARS enslaved vast colonies of micro-organisms, mainly of the genus Saccharomyces, in a nefarious plot to produce this obnoxious product. These harmless fungi are specially bred, in a method similar to a Nazi eugenics program, only to be force fed various plant sugars, until these unsuspecting microbes DROWN IN THEIR OWN WASTE PRODUCTS!!!
And the most galling part of the story; the waste product thus created, fungi fecal matter, is then packaged and sold to the unsuspecting public! These so called “adult beverages” generate billions of dollars in revenue a day! This money is then used to finance so-called “sports teams” and “golf tournaments”. These usually rigged contests are then broadcast to the public, interspersed with advertisements for these “adult beverages”, creating a vicious cycle of public interdependence on these two intertwined soporifics.
These so-called beverages are oft times adulterated with various and sundry carcinogenic “flavorings” in a so far successful campaign to dupe a gullible public. Not only are these “adult beverages” sold in their raw, undiluted form, this yeastal urine is also distilled into a purified form, which is chemically unstable, and can be used to power internal combustion engines! Why, one might as well drink petroleum distillate!!!
I, in my striving for truth and justice for all mankind, I have on numerous occasions imbibed various forms of these so-called “adult beverages”. I can report that the effects are not pretty! I have become violently ill on many occasions, projectile vomiting on friends, neighbors, dates, and complete strangers. Alas, can the fact that I no longer have any friends, neighbors, OR dates, be related to my assiduous pursuit of the truth in relation to these “adult beverages”? An epiphany, perhaps???
I also have on many occasions woken up in surreal circumstances, with not a clue as to how I arrived in that location! Why the whole decade of the 1970’s has been completely obliterated from my memory. For instance, I vaguely remember some sort of burglary the Watergate Hotel in DC; the next thing I recall, I was a 2nd class petty officer in the US Navy, and Warren Burger was swearing Ronald Reagan in as POTUS. Imagine my shock at that awakening, as well as my unmitigated euphoria at finally having such a fine actor as President! The shock of this dichotomy was such to cause a further psychic meltdown, resulting in further truth seeking regarding “adult beverages”. The intervening years have not been pretty, as I continued my research.
There is one redeeming quality to these “adult beverages”; they seem to be a fine accompaniment to the penultimate American agricultural product, Nicotiana Tabacum, in all its forms.
Well, the cocktail hour approaches, and I must away to continue my research. I gladly offer my body on the altar of science for this noble…. Goddamn it boy, you’re bruising the gin again!!! Two shakes only! (THWACK) Motherfucking sombitch I’ll whoop your skinny white ass, boy………………
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