Ask Bill

ASK BILL

Dear Bill,

I heard tell that there’s this big time talk show host, name of Opel WinnFree, who is supporting Osama Bin Laden for President of the United States. Now, ain’t he the feller that drove them 2 planes into them towers up there in New York City? Shouldn’t he be dead already? And if’n he ain’t dead, why in the hell would any body want him to be President? Sombitch probably don’t even speak English, fer Chrissakes!

Perturbed in Peoria


Dear Perturbed-

It appears you have your facts slightly askew. The talk show host you are probably referring to is Orpah (or Oprah) Winfrey, not Opel WinnFree. Opel WinnFree is a used car sales person in Beeville Texas. Oprah Winfrey has been on the TV for many years; however, I personally have not watched her on TV since the 70’s, when she appeared on a fine show out of Baltimore, “People are Talking”, with the redoubtable Richard Sher. I have heard rumors that she has done rather well in a city somewhere to the west; I believe Chicago. Chicago is a God-forsaken frozen cultural wasteland of gangsters, meat packers and commodities traders. Such a place is not fit for civilized humans; what passes for pizza in that town is unfit for porcine consumption.
Ms. Winfrey is not supporting Osama Bin Laden for President of the United States. She is supporting Barack Hussein Obama, the junior Senator from state of Illinois. Senator Obama is not related to the late Saddam Hussein, as far as we can tell, although he may be related to Muhamed Hussein, a cab driver in Montgomery County, Maryland. Illinois is known for its corn and pig farms, as well as the cesspool mentioned above, Chicago. Senator Obama and Osama Bin Laden have little in common. Osama Bin Laden did not personally fly planes into the twin towers; that was his home boys done that. And they are dead. Osama Bin Laden’s whereabouts are currently unknown; he may even have expired. And I am almost certain he “no speaky the English”, if you know what I mean….
Both of the above mentioned gentlemen do, however, reside in places where reality is slightly “unreal”. Mssr. Bin Laden resides in a cave somewhere; Senator Obama lives and works in a place known as the United States Congress, in Washington DC. Both places are well insulated from reality. In the cave, the perception of reality is skewed by the demented ravings of Mssr. Bin Laden. In the U. S. Congress, reality is practically non-existent. It is vastly skewed by the ravings of Senators. The main concern of these honorable ladies and gentlemen seems to be the maintenance of their varied perquisites, such as free health care, free gym memberships, free call girls (and boys!) and yearly hefty pay raises. The actual governing of the country is left to a benighted half wit, who inherited the job from his father. The actual word “Senate” is derived from the Latin for “rich asshole dickwad”. These “senators” make a lot of noise, and pass incomprehensible laws designed to part hard working Americans from their money, and give it to the multi-national alcohol producing conglomerates of sports team owners who really run everything.
I hope this clears up this issue for you, you stupid fucking red neck.

Yours truly,
Bill