Unholy Conspiracy!!!!

I have uncovered a vast conspiracy, so terrible in its implications, that it may be the primary causation of the collapse of civilization as we know it!

I am referring to a conspiracy of multi-national corporations, to produce, market, and distribute a product so vile that it usually induces regurgitation in first time users! These corporations are mainly headed by personages of Germanic or Celtic origin, and we all know what THOSE people are like!

These corporations have for YEARS enslaved vast colonies of micro-organisms, mainly of the genus Saccharomyces, in a nefarious plot to produce this obnoxious product. These harmless fungi are specially bred, in a method similar to a Nazi eugenics program, only to be force fed various plant sugars, until these unsuspecting microbes DROWN IN THEIR OWN WASTE PRODUCTS!!!

And the most galling part of the story; the waste product thus created, fungi fecal matter, is then packaged and sold to the unsuspecting public! These so called “adult beverages” generate billions of dollars in revenue a day! This money is then used to finance so-called “sports teams” and “golf tournaments”. These usually rigged contests are then broadcast to the public, interspersed with advertisements for these “adult beverages”, creating a vicious cycle of public interdependence on these two intertwined soporifics.

These so-called beverages are oft times adulterated with various and sundry carcinogenic “flavorings” in a so far successful campaign to dupe a gullible public. Not only are these “adult beverages” sold in their raw, undiluted form, this yeastal urine is also distilled into a purified form, which is chemically unstable, and can be used to power internal combustion engines! Why, one might as well drink petroleum distillate!!!

I, in my striving for truth and justice for all mankind, I have on numerous occasions imbibed various forms of these so-called “adult beverages”. I can report that the effects are not pretty! I have become violently ill on many occasions, projectile vomiting on friends, neighbors, dates, and complete strangers. Alas, can the fact that I no longer have any friends, neighbors, OR dates, be related to my assiduous pursuit of the truth in relation to these “adult beverages”? An epiphany, perhaps???

I also have on many occasions woken up in surreal circumstances, with not a clue as to how I arrived in that location! Why the whole decade of the 1970’s has been completely obliterated from my memory. For instance, I vaguely remember some sort of burglary the Watergate Hotel in DC; the next thing I recall, I was a 2nd class petty officer in the US Navy, and Warren Burger was swearing Ronald Reagan in as POTUS. Imagine my shock at that awakening, as well as my unmitigated euphoria at finally having such a fine actor as President! The shock of this dichotomy was such to cause a further psychic meltdown, resulting in further truth seeking regarding “adult beverages”. The intervening years have not been pretty, as I continued my research.

There is one redeeming quality to these “adult beverages”; they seem to be a fine accompaniment to the penultimate American agricultural product, Nicotiana Tabacum, in all its forms.

Well, the cocktail hour approaches, and I must away to continue my research. I gladly offer my body on the altar of science for this noble…. Goddamn it boy, you’re bruising the gin again!!! Two shakes only! (THWACK) Motherfucking sombitch I’ll whoop your skinny white ass, boy………………